Deep Violet Liquitex Acrylic I eat the talking bees...
I eat the talking bees... [entries|friends|calendar]
Molly K

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[20 Sep 2009|06:52pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

The past few Sundays have been really nice and quiet for me. Casey's stirring finally after being in bed all day sick. Apparently my sponsor is finally back, and I really need to talk to her. I've been doing a lot of origami lately...somehow perfecting the creases and making something almost flawless out of paper is enjoyable. Thanks, mom, for the calendar that made my OCD much worse. :)

It's been brought to my attention Casey and I have been together a third of a year today, not including the 2.5 months I was just living here. It's been a crazy awesome time, with all of its ups and downs and in betweens. We even tried to see if we could not "do it" for three weeks to work on our communication skills. Instead we realized that bringing up every little thing that bothers each of us and fighting about it was the real issue. We carefully pick our battles now, and have mind-blowing sessions of love. Hehe...and then he asks, "Did you poison me or something?" Because food poisoning himself counts. So crazy. :)

I had a hell of a time chairing the meeting today, as in, I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there and cry. I didn't do anything wrong. I was doing was a chairperson is supposed to do. I apologized though, and maybe the person who got angry will get the fuck over himself, and practice putting his principles before my personality. But enough taking his inventory...if I keep on, I'll have to make his amends, too. Really, though, I don't take shit too personally there anymore, no matter what people think. I have decided that if I want recovery, it will be just depends on how I look at it. It's all in my perception today.

I'll have a year clean (alcohol counts, by the way) in about 48 days. That is awesome to contemplate. I've come so far in my life since moving here, and I have a lot of faith in my Higher Power and my program. I have thoughts about the past occasionally, but they pass fairly quickly. I don't dwell in the crap too long. I know I'll be working on it soon enough in my steps. I was supposed to get with my sponsor Thursday night to finish my 5th, but there was a major communication malfunction and she went to Surrender on the Mountain up at Cheaha State Park this weekend. It will happen this week, hopefully.

I have a new job at K-Mart. They'll call me Monday and tell me when to come in this week. Full-time hours, busy season, steady pay. It's a lot less than La Parrilla, but their racist bullshit really got to me after a while. I truly feel sticking it out for six months was an accomplishment, but I wasn't able to work my program fast enough sometimes to deal with certain assholes there. I left in the middle of a shift feigning a family emergency, went straight to a meeting, and vented. I hardly "vent" there, but it was nice being able to convey emotions without having to wrap it up in a pretty little recovery package all the time. And people understood. It's about the courage to change the things I can, not necessarily in how I do it. I just knew working around a bar in the state I was in was not a good thing for the time being. I made it through, though, and sometimes that's all I can do.

Now I'm rambling. I have other random things to check on my random adventure using a random wireless connection from a random tenant in my random apartment complex. Living in randomosity, as Casey might say.


2 blank stares| what?

i'm FINE... [23 Jul 2009|10:21pm]
which really means "fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional(ly unstable)."

i'm not sure what it is. i'm having a general feeling of malaise even though my foot is on the mend and i should be getting back to work in 1.5 weeks. they initially thought there was a growth in there, but the MRI didn't show anything, so they stabbed me with some cortisone yesterday and taped it all up. i can't shower until monday. maybe i'm just dirty. showers have always been a nice way to escape...i kind of miss them now that i think about it. and it's only been a day.

casey mentioned to me that my incessant picking is really a bother to him. i've been picking my skin since i was 12, so it's been really difficult to not do it, but i'm already noticing results. my chest, face, and arms are actually clearing up. i don't obsess over doing it as much, but if there's a huge zit in the middle of my face, i still go for it. i just don't dig for what MIGHT be there. i was spending almost an hour a day in the bathroom/in front of the mirror, and i wouldn't even notice it had been that long. that was after spending hours at work on my feet...the pain didn't phase me at all. this isn't the worst habit i have, but it's been the hardest to work on recently. i'm doing well, though.

i've been losing weight as well, and i've had a couple of people comment on it. i'm really just cutting back on the big meals and eating smaller ones throughout the day. the little ones usually are some special k fruit and yogurt mixed with dannon's light and fit vanilla yogurt. it is SO tasty. i almost don't want ice cream anymore. that's a big almost. i'm still trying to figure out where the diet dark chocolate hides at wal-mart.

as soon as my foot is completely ready for work, i'll be doing a lot more walking. i might even invest in some decent shoes. sketcher's has this shoe that avon has had for a long time that promotes muscle tone when you walk. but the sketcher's are wayyy cuter. we'll see what we can do. i've been out of work almost a month, and i was earning about $350 a week. i had no savings when i had to take my medical leave either. BLEGH.

but this too shall pass.

i feel better already getting some of this out. casey hasn't wanted to talk much lately. i can't figure out what's going on in his head. there's a lot of stress going on around here. i can't make his shit my shit, but i want to help. there doesn't seem to be much i can do at the moment. this is the first time i've been worried about him in a while. they say there's a point in your recovery where you're really seeing the future and it's a bit daunting. when life catches up with you and your pink cloud, it's something serious. i'm experiencing small bits of that, but casey's got it bad right now. he's about to start school having never been in college before. he's got an apartment to pay rent on (with my help, of course), a relationship to maintain, and a recovery program to stick with. we're also having to look at a bigger place since we're rapidly out-growing this tiny one bedroom apartment. i'm looking to start my certification program for medical coding in january, and i'm really wanting to have evan with me by may. that will give casey and i some time to work through things, maybe i'll have a decent job after i finish that program, and casey will be settled into mixing all his responsibilities.


there's a lot going on. a lot of unknowns. but still a lot to be grateful for. i'm going to a convention in tallahassee next weekend. i love those things. i heard the most amazing story at fun in the sun. i'll probably meet a bunch more cool people, and get to spend some time with my sponsor, her partner, and casey. after that it's back to work and business as usual. i think i'm going to go do some stepwork. i love that i have a computer to journal on now. i love writing out my stepwork though. whatevs. and there's a new picture of evan for ya. mmm...grass is yummy?


well... [27 Jun 2009|06:03pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

this is going to be interesting. i haven't had regular access to a computer since i moved to dothan in november. november 5th to be exact. i used to make sure this entire journal was grammatically correct, i used punctuation the way i was taught, spelled things right, and used my caps properly. but now that i've torn down so many walls that used to hold my image of life up, that just doesn't seem as important as what the words say. i love writing...i don't know if i've ever really told anyone that. i know it's not great, i know the paragraphs aren't "real" paragraphs, but this has helped me more over the years to mark my progression into who i've become than anything. i've had this journal since june 20th of 2001. i also haven't updated it in 39 weeks according to livejournal.

my last post was september 27th. that was 9 months ago. it was really the ending stages of the end. my clean date is november 1st, 2008. for some reason halloween was too scrumptious a holiday to pass up clean, but it wasn't all that great. really disappointing actually. my world crumbled that week. my sister said, after i called her and sobbed to her about everything and nothing in particular (well, nothing that made sense, really) , that if this wasn't a bottom, she didn't know what was. and she was absolutely correct. it still took me a few days to get to the point where i knew what i wanted to do about it, but i finally made a decision to move.

like the resourceful person i considered myself, i put an ad on craigslist. it was really funny who showed up to take me to dothan for free. i won't say how i knew him on here, but it was someone who wanted to help me before, but i didn't want it. so i packed up as much as i thought i really needed and we left. i haven't talked to him except for one time around christmas. i moved down here to live with my biological father and grandmother who i never really got to know growing up. i didn't get to know edwin because he was in prison basically my whole life and had just gotten out the may before i showed up. and my grandmother just lived too far away, but my mother still stayed in close contact with her. i knew her as aunt jeanette. she is the sweetest, most jesus-centered, generous, and loving individual i have ever come in contact with. she has congestive heart failure and is almost constantly sick now, though. that doesn't get to her at all. she loves to say she's going to live until she dies, she guesses. heh.

so the night i moved down here and got settled in my room, i went to my first NA meeting in fucking 2 and a half years. and i wanted to go. badly. i knew that if something didn't change, nothing would ever change. and i was right. my self-will had run riot so much that i lost control of everything. and i came to find out i never really had control at all. that realization came with working the second step: "we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." there has always been a power greater than myself looking out for me, who i credit with never being arrested, seriously hurt, or killed. believing that he could do all that for me really helped me grasp that he could also help with my insatiable appetite for self-sabotage.

it all started when i surrendered. i surrendered to this way of life because i finally believed i didn't have all the answers and that they weren't coming to me any faster with a pipe in my mouth. i admitted my powerlessness, and truly accepted it. with acceptance comes action, and i felt obligated to myself to try something that looked like it was working for others who were just like me. i always put myself to the side as "special" or "different." i could have saved myself from so much heartache, withdrawals, bad people, everything if i just stopped focusing on the differences and honed in on the similarities. but if i didn't go through all the things i went through, i might not be here today.

i'll be 8 months clean next week. on july 1st. i moved out of jeanette's house after personalities clashed with ed, lived with someone in AA with 22 years under their belt, worked at arby's just for gas and cigarette money, then moved in with casey. he just turned 22 at the end of april and he'll have a year clean on july 8th. i moved in february 27th as an addict accepting help from another addict. i slept on the couch for a month, then he collaborated with ed to get me a mattress. i slept on that for another month and a half. and it was awesome. there were no expectations, no awkward moments, just fun times and recovery. there were finally some circumstances that led us to realize we truly cared for eachother, so we decided to see where we could take this. while some character defects outshine others, the person i loved in that NA way is definitely still the person who's there today, loving me while i love myself more and more everyday. and he's cute. very much a "catch," as you might say.

:) i'm sitting at an area-wide pool party which is also a fundraiser for a halloween party we throw every year. god willing i'll make it another 4 months, and maybe celebrate my year clean at midnight that night. but i'm only promised today. i will only ever have today. and i cherish it more than i ever have in my entire life. i always thought i'd be filled with misery and disgust and regret, but i've jumped into this recovery thing head-first, and i love it. i would never trade what i've gained for the finest, purest, most potent 8 million tons of dope. i'm no longer a hopeless dope fiend. i'm most definitely a dopeless hope fiend.

as for evan and i...we will be together again. i'm finally on the right track to being a real mother, and i have to give myself that much credit. i did finally get my bassoon back. i've been thinking of teaching a couple of lessons a week if there are students around who need it, and putting that money away for him. i've been throwing a lot of ideas about him around in my head. the cost of living is so much more affordable for me, and i actually have a decent job at the nicest, most popular restaurant in dothan, so things are definitely looking up. i'm not running everything into the ground anymore. at least i try not to, but i am still an addict. still sick. but getting better. it's definitely still just one day at a time. that one foot in front of the other.

i miss all you who might read this. i have a feeling, judging from the posts i've seen, only a couple of you are still out there. i needed to write this for myself, though. i needed a marker in time to look back on. a good one, finally.

god, grant me the serenity...

5 blank stares| what?

it's one a.m. i just got off work. what the... [27 Sep 2008|01:01am]
[ mood | loved ]

hell is wrong with drunk people when they go through the drive-thru? Especially if they're black and I can't understand what they're saying, so I have to repeat shit, and on the 7th time I've said something I get frustrated, so I'm then considered rude because I become a bit of a bitch. *whew* I hope the store manager doesn't read that randomly. Like that would ever happen.

So basically the past two months have been a blur of work and boy. John, to be exact. He is amazing, and extremely sweet. We have moments of complete bliss when we're together, and he comes over when I'm at work to hang out with my dad. My dad has hated all boys since Billy. That's why I haven't called anyone a "boyfriend" since then. It's still weird, but very, very nice.

So about work, I've been busting my balls at McDonald's, and I can still feel the brim of my visor on my forehead. Yes, long after I remove that fucking thing. It's kind of depressing, and I look for a mirror to make sure it's on a little crooked, so the black people will be nicer to me.

I can't tell if I'm being racist, but only black people have an attitude with me at work. They feel like I always had everything handed to me on a silver platter, and then fucked it all up and THAT'S why I'm working at McDonald's. Actually, you know what? That's exactly why I'm working at McDonald's. *sigh*

I feel poetic, but I can't write poems worth shit. I should find MadLib poems...

Hang on. I'm off to find them. As many as possible. :)

I can't pick the right words right now...not as many as they want, though. Let me try MadLib haikus...

That didn't work either. Fuck it. I used to be really good at writing haikus. Only Chris Still has witnessed my greatest work, and that was at DialAmerica. I hated that fucking place between mental breakdowns. They let me come back to work after I completely lost it two summers ago, though. Damn, I miss Clay Rupp, Chris "Is A Complete Asshole, But A Real Charmer" Still, Jason Alme, Brennen Bennett, all the stoners I got fucked up with in the parking lot, Brady Smith, Josh Lineberger, Jason Volpe. I could go on...but I won't. Maybe they'll google their names one day and find that someone remembered them immortally. Online. Because this will apparently be around forever. That'd be cool.

he would scare us with his hair.
one day it was black.
next day it was gray.

scheduling was his
life, even though he hated
all the college kids.

his last name was the same
as my favorite make-up brand.
almay? no, alme.

Anyway, that was really lame. But it was all I could think of until I actually wrote some. And then there were limericks, but I'm definitely not awake enough to write good ones.

I miss Evan alot. He's eating baby foods and rolling over and sucking his toes and sitting in a Boppy chair by himself. He weighs about 16.5 pounds now, and is 25" long. Oh, and he's absolutely precious. Most people say he really looks like me, which is something I never really considered while I was pregnant. I mean, I knew he would look like me, but he REALLY looks like me. Check my Facebook for pictures, my real friends. On Facebook.

I'm gonna go watch Best Week Ever. It's awesome. And I'm lonely. But tomorrow will be fun...gonna spend the weekend with John. :)


i know it's been a while... [25 Jul 2008|02:13pm]
[ mood | smitten ]

but he's the only thing on my mind...

i can't seem to catch a break. my decisions haunt me everyday. i want the best for him, and he's getting it right now. even though i'm not there.

2 blank stares| what?

[08 Jun 2008|06:43pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Because I don't feel like bitching and complaining about my life and problems that are completely my fault anyway, here is something to take your mind off your problems for a split second.

You're welcome.

1 blank stare| what?

PLEASE READ. I NEED HELP. [23 May 2008|10:49pm]
it has come to my attention everyone around here just wants my son, so i've packed up and i'm leaving tonight, though i'm not sure where to go exactly. i want to go drink like a sailor, but i have an early morning. would anyone like to call me and offer a shoulder to cry on? i'm leaving evan tonight, and it was NOT a pleasant process like i expected. i'm worn. i'm torn. i'm about to lose my shit.


(205) 260-0541.

Wow. From Mary Ellen Mark. [23 May 2008|07:19am]
[ mood | distressed ]

Amanda and Her Cousin Amy, Valdese, North Carolina, USA, 1990
(catalog number 214H-143-002)

"In 1990, Peter Howe at Life magazine sent me to North Carolina to photograph a special school for children with problems. The school was a very strange place because all of the twenty or so children were in the same classroom and their problems ranged from mild behavior instability to severe schizophrenia.

Nine-year-old Amanda was the most interesting child in the class. She was my favorite child. Amanda was very intelligent and very naughty. One day I followed her home on the school bus. When the bus stopped at her house, she dashed ahead of me and ran into a nearby wooded area. I continued to follow her into the woods and eventually found her sitting in an old stuffed chair having a cigarette. She thought that I would reprimand her since I was an adult. But I said nothing.

The following Sunday, I spent the day at home with Amanda and her mother. Amanda totally controlled her mother. She constantly gave her orders and proceeded to put on her mother's nail polish and makeup. Amanda smoked openly in front of her. Her 8-year-old cousin Amy was coming over, and she was very excited. All day long, Amanda and her cousin played like children. Every forty-five minutes or so, Amanda would take a break to have a cigarette. Her mother could say nothing; Amanda was the boss.

Just before I left, I looked for Amanda to say good-bye. I found her and Amy in the backyard. They were in a children's inflatable pool. Amanda was taking her regular cigarette break."

"In 1994 I returned to photograph the Damm family for David Friend at Life magazine. Their living conditions were even worse than when I first met them in 1987. Linda and Dean had two more children, Ashley, 6, and Summer, 4, and I immediately noticed how much better Dean was to his own children. He always treated Crissy and Jesse terribly. He screamed at Jesse constantly and one day even shaved off the boy's hair because he got some tar in it.

The whole family was squatting in a dilapidated, deserted ranch house. It was located in a canyon in the high desert about three hours outside of Los Angeles. Dean and Linda were heavily into drugs, mostly speed. The children were not in school. There was a general atmosphere of chaos and destruction.

The house was filthy. There was no running water and no electricity. Dean and Linda had adopted about twenty dogs. Some of them were fed, while the others roamed the hills killing rabbits or whatever they could find.

I stayed at a motel down the road. Very early every morning, I would arrive at the house. This photograph of Linda, Dean, and Crissy was taken one of those mornings. I was shocked at the scene I found. The expression on Crissy's face said everything. I didn't know what to do, but I decided I had to take this photograph. I later asked Crissy if Dean was abusing her. She vehemently denied it. I spoke to the social worker who refused to believe what I sensed.

Some months later, Crissy finally admitted that Dean was sexually abusing her. Linda took the kids and left him. What most disturbed Dean when he saw this photograph published was that his marijuana pipe and gear were visible in the frame."


[15 May 2008|11:25am]
[ mood | good ]

I'm not unhappy about where I am in life. I've been complimented on my brains since I was 5 and I knew the difference between the spelling of "time" and "thyme." My aunt Stacy said she wanted kids as smart as me. They had to go to private school to get that way, though. HA.

Wow, that was incredibly insensitive. Oh well. I'm drinking a SlimFast and listening to some country music on this old radio my great-grandmother used to have. I think it's from the early 70's, but it still sounds awesome. My dad still doesn't know I have it. HA. Again with that.

I'm in a weird mood...kind of reflective and nostalgic, but also excited about what the future may hold. I got in touch with that 7' tall basketball player from UGA (Joey Waldrop), and I'm going to visit him this weekend in Newnan. That ought to be A LOT of fucking fun. We've been talking for a while and the other night he asked if I would be his girl. It was so damn sweet.

About Evan...there's been serious talk about letting the Lawleys raise him while I get my shit completely together. I've been getting better about a lot of things like saving money, smoking less, and buying clothes and toiletries instead of things I don't need. There's still a lingering feeling that if I fuck up now, it won't matter so much to him, but later on in Evan's life, if I screw up, that might effect him in the long run. I don't know. I'm just nervous about too much stress and the ever-present chance of relapsing.

I'm doing well. That's about all I can say. Except for this whole entry...I guess this is all I can say at the moment. Until next month, it looks like.



No LJ cuts for you! But we do have tuna... [17 Apr 2008|08:14am]
[ mood | artistic ]

I'm about to go trekking through the mountains of websites for a vehicle. Yes, Molly is getting a car. No, not on her own completely, but it's a start. A BIG fucking start. My sources of income are limited and will continue to be for the rest of my life (i.e. lots of government support), but I can say that my family and friends are the real support system, however cheesy that sounds. I wouldn't be here (quite literally) without you. And by "you" I mean everyone around me, anyone who has ever been around me, and people who will be around me in the future.

In other news, Evan is a bouncing baby boy growing at a rapid rate. I mean, really...the kid eats like there's no tomorrow, and for all he knows, there isn't one. That kind of perception blows my mind...he's so animalistic, yet so aware. I know everyone says this, but I truly am amazed every fucking day, and I don't know who to thank...or what. I'm reading Deepak Chopra's Unlocking the Hidden Secrets of Your Life and it's really helping with my perception of the world, God, the "mystery" of life. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Of course you have to think of that in your best King of Siam voice.

"Come the morning light I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else, believe in me even if someone can't see a stronger woman in me. I'm gonna be my own best friend, stick with me 'til the end, won't lose myself again...never, no." I knew I always loved Jewel for a reason. If I have to watch CMT from 5 to 7 am to catch her "Stronger Woman" video a couple of times a day to get through my life, I will do it, damn it. :) I love Josh Turner's sexy ass country boy voice, too. I fell asleep (passed out) to it last night...I would go with him. Anywhere.

Yeah, I'm going through a country music phase. I love it all, really. There are a few people I don't like as with any genre, but I'm such a music whore right now it's not funny. I used to be a media whore, but now that I'm not sitting around letting my body make a baby, I just turn on Yahoo's Music LaunchCAST thingy and jam out while I run around the house like a crazy woman getting peed on. I get peed on a lot, so I listen to a lot of music. It's awesome. And I'm not being sarcastic. I also love Pandora, but apparently the script gets all wonky and Firefox constantly asks if I want to "abort" it. I never want to see, think, or hear that word ever again, so I don't use Pandora much anymore.


I miss my dad and sister. So. Much.

2 blank stares| what?

how my life has completely changed directions...again... [01 Apr 2008|05:12am]
[ mood | crushed ]

a lot of venting about my shitty day, which is worth a look...then a picture of my sunshine on cloudy days.Collapse )

11 blank stares| what?

Super Sunday with babies on my boobies... [30 Mar 2008|10:56am]
[ mood | blah ]

I'm actually quite content, provided I'm steaming on the inside about baby's daddy. Everytime I seem to give him the benefit of the doubt, he stomps all over it. I'm so nice to him when I see him...IF I ever see him. I was actually looking forward to him coming over and hanging out/spending the night the other night, but he fucked that all up. If someone says they'll be somewhere "around 7 o'clock," and shows up at 9:30...that's kinda NO WHERE NEAR 7.

What he had to say about that was full of attitude and bitchiness ("It's hard to answer the phone or call when I'm asleep..."). He feels like I nag him when in all actuality, I can't trust him to be reliable and he doesn't understand that I'm not going to let my baby go with him until that changes. But it never will, and I know that. That means something pretty bad for him, but it eases my mind something fierce. I have back up, so that helps, too.

I found out the reason he broke up with me last summer...or "fell out of love" with me. And this is the time we were trying to work shit out for the baby. Here's the scoop...I was at his apartment all day while he worked a double shift. I had no cable, no computer, just a cell phone, some movies, and random people to hang out with, which got old fast. He called around 11 pm after his shift ended and said he would be an hour to have a beer with some buddies. I said that was fine and I'd see him soon. I wanted to snuggle with him, be with him, fall asleep in his arms, but no. That didn't happen. I fell asleep and about 3 hours later, woke up, and there's still no Billy.

I called him and asked when he planned to come home if at all and he took that as "nagging." I only called once, just asked when he'd be back, and I was kind of upset because he'd left me there all fucking day, and he knows how I feel about being alone. Especially in my precarious situation (just found out I was pregnant, just quit my meds, etc...). So the next day he was treating me differently and I asked what was up...actually, I think I said something like, "Just tell me what you're thinking because I know it's not good." And then he dropped the "I'm not in love with you anymore" bomb.

After one phone call. After just being concerned and a little perturbed. He took that as a HUGE guilt trip and said he couldn't handle that if it was going to be "that way." He never talked with me about it, never said anything. Apparently he just wants to do what he wants at all times, no matter what, no matter who it hurts. I say fuck that. I don't need it. Evan doesn't need it. Billy thinks that if he says "around" a certain time to be somewhere, he can show up whenever the fuck he wants and get a huge attitude when people are understandably upset, especially people with hormone changes such as mine at the moment.

Not to mention I could have died from the infections I had. Turned out to be two kinds of staph (A and E) and then strep group A all up in my abdomen. I'm healing nicely though, and I should be fine to go home in maybe two weeks. I'm really not looking forward to leaving here, but I am looking forward to seeing if I'll lose my shit trying to do this all by myself. Heh, I like challenges, though. so it might not be so bad. I'm looking forward to the rest of my life, without bullshit and drama.

I think I've found the perfect person to help with that, too. He calls me Sunshine and talks with me on the phone for hours. He says he's really digging on me, and I dig that completely. :) That's all for me for now...had to get some things off my chest. My abnormally large chest. Heh heh.


Such a tumultuous week... [19 Mar 2008|10:16pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

As much as I want to give a play-by-play on my labor and delivery (which was a c-section because I never progressed past 3 centimeters after 28 hours in labor), I'm just entirely too tired, and doped up on Percocet and life.

So baby Evan was born on 3-11-08, weighed 6 lbs 14 ozs, measured 19 3/4" long, and took his first breath at 5:50 pm on the aforementioned date. I really want to point out that 3 minus 11 equals negative 8. I mean, really, how fucking cool is that? Only I, the dorkus maximus on morphine, would look that hard for some kind of unique fact like that and actually find one. Look at me funny all you want, I feel smart and sexy. Haha, except for that whole sexy thing.

So everything was going great until Monday when I woke up from a nap with a 101.8 temperature...I was advised to go immediately to the ER. I was seen very quickly because I apparently beat the St. Patty's Day alcohol poisoning rush, and about five hours later, was admitted because my belly was FULL of infection from my c-section. I was definitely aware I wasn't feeling well before all this happened, but I just passed it off as normal major surgery recovery pain. Definitely was wrong. After I got up to my room, they started me on fluids and an antibiotic IV style. I didn't get any sleep that night because I was sweating like a damn pig since my fever was so eventually spiked at 102.5, which is just not good at all.

I saw the doctor the next day, and she wanted to keep me until tomorrow, but she changed her mind this morning and sent me home with oral antibiotics, real Percocet (not that fake Tylox crap), and ibuprofen 800s. My mother came from Atlanta to see me and took some staples out of my stomach that were just kind of hanging there like earrings...not holding anything together, just causing me a SHIT TON of pain. So today I napped from 4 to 7, took one of those ibuprofens before I went to bed, and when I woke up, I ACTUALLY WAS ABLE TO GET UP AND OUT OF BED BY MYSELF. It was a fucking miracle.

As long as I keep up with my medication regimen, I should recover fully in about a month and a half, then really be able to do the mommy thing like I feel like I should have been doing all along. Somehow I feel incredibly guilty about being so sick and leaving the baby for a couple of days, but deep down I know if I didn't go to the hospital when I did, I could possibly be dead, or at least have much of my bowels and uterus and other things stop functioning all together.

Well, I'm off to nap before the midnight feeding. :) Thanks for all the congrats and stuff, everyone. Until next time, which might not be for another forever because I'm so lazy when it comes to updating this thing...

4 blank stares| what?

So ready, but in that way you're not ready at all... [27 Feb 2008|10:43pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I had an amazing weekend with Billy's mom...I know it's Wednesday, but I haven't felt like updating this until now. I had a baybay shower and got tons of useful shit I'll need a lot of, then bunches of cute clothes, and even a hospital bag with a silky robe and pajamas. Just in case I decide to seduce a nurse or the doctor or's been long enough to where I'd probably do something like that under the influence of Demerol. You know, in that time period where it hasn't sunk in that stuff like that MAKES BABIES. *sigh* Life is funny sometimes.

I'm...out of words pertaining to this next week and a half of my life. Friday will mark the start of my seven day countdown, as you'll see when I post random shit that includes a number. I feel like I'm about to explode as it is...sleep just happens when I pass out, pooping only happens after taking stool softeners, and hormonal mood swings/rages are a daily occurrence I'm slowly learning to control.

One incident involved just about physically assaulting my dad because he put my new puppy outside when I was asleep...she wouldn't come back after I called for her, so I basically melted into a puddle of tears I couldn't control, and I screamed louder and with more conviction than I ever have in my life at him. After acting like a crazy person who spins people around in their chairs because they're not looking at my face and appreciating how upset I am, I sat outside sobbing for two hours calling for her, and she finally came back. Thank whoever. I seriously lost it and it could have all gone downhill from there if she hadn't found her way back home. I think it scared my dad a bit because he didn't come home from work the next couple of days. I didn't mind.

Oh, yeah, I have a puppy who wandered up a couple days before Valentine's. She's a lab mix and probably about four months old. She was seriously the ugliest and most pitiful thing you've ever seen, but after I fed her and bathed her, I couldn't call animal control to come get her. I thought about it because she was mangy and stuff, but I took care of that, so now there's no reason not to keep her. I named her Delaware for her first state-shaped white birthmark on her tummy, and I just call her Della. She has been the light of my life, probably due to my oxytocin levels, since I found her. Still don't know what to do about her and the baby...I guess it just depends on how she is around him.

*Le sigh* I'm going to bed. This is the only picture that would post from photobucket, so if you want to see me in all my preggo glory, and a 4D picture of Evan, go to my myspace:

Oh, and don't start shit with me in my blog. I'm in no mood ever for insinuations and retarded comments. XD!



[02 Feb 2008|02:11am]
[ mood | amused ]

Don't worry. I'm only halfway related to this person. And this picture is precisely the reason I'm naming my kid after my brother, Ethan. Actually, it's more like a nod to Ethan since I'm using Evan. Anyway. I thought this was just fucking hilarious.


[31 Jan 2008|03:40am]
[ mood | hopeful ]


I went to Barnes and Noble tonight with some special late Hannukah money and found two books I firmly believe will help me in my quest for a complete and utter lifestyle change. One is a more spirituality-based book by Deepak Chopra called The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life. The other, the one I think will help me the most, was written by Alan Deutschman and is called Change or Die with a question underneath the title that asks, "Could you change when change matters most?" As of right now in my life, change couldn't matter more.

I decided to Google Deutschman's book and I found a blogger by the name of Robert Paterson. I don't really like his writing style, however, he makes a great point that I feel is integral to benefitting from any kind of therapy we have out there, or really any human-to-human advice we may share. Here it is:

"Alan has reviewed the vast body of literature on what works in therapy to help people confront and then move through their belief barriers to a better life. There seems to be many different approaches that work. One on one. Groups etc. But the one thing that the successful paths had in common was a person who truly, sincerely believed in the capability of the other to make the change. This open hearted person often knew this before the subject did. The magic that crossed over was that truth of the feeling that this person loves me for whom I am now in all my misery. He loves me for me, not for what I should be. He sees in me the person that I can and could be. He gives me the gift of hope.

So human growth, begins not with the word but with the heart. If I feel that you truly love me - Thank you John - then I can hear you. When I hear you, you can help me reframe what I think is my reality and start to see myself in a different world."

This struck me so hard personally because my grandmother has done nothing but discourage me from having my baby. She advocated for abortion in the early months, and now it's adoption. Even after not seeing her for nearly seven months because she called me a whore, the first comment out of her mouth wasn't a warm greeting, but rather, "What are you going to do with that belly?" She wasn't referring to my weight, either. I'm in tears because for the first time in a very long while, I'm filled to the brim with hope.

I have people in my life who truly believe in me. Even if they don't and just say they do, it doesn't matter because I hear and feel the positive. It helps. As much as my grandmother tries to point out every horrible thing about me (to myself nonetheless, like I'm oblivious), I know there are people who have the belief that people are in fact capable of significant change. I'm not the only one.

My life is in the last stages of transitioning from lost to found. I am more open to fully enveloping myself in myself and examining every aspect of me I've worked on, and (more importantly) ignored, since the early years of self-exploration. I know that sentence didn't make much sense, but I read it over and over and still couldn't find a better way to put it. Now I have a credible resource to draw ideas from, and it makes me so happy.

I have five more weeks to contemplate how I'm going to deal with crayon marks on the wall and rice in various orifices. Well, I guess I have a little longer than that for those milestones, but it'd be good to get a hold of myself in general. You know what I mean. So much to do, so little time left. I'm actually incredibly excited about it all, Evan and myself. It's so rare I feel this way, I almost don't want to move on.

But it's time.


[04 Jan 2008|03:41pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

OH, GOD! The "shorty got low" song is insanely catchy. I feel like shooting someone with my love juice because it makes me so excited.

Well, I rushed and panicked and wasted gas to get to the doctor today only to find out they don't have clinics on Friday afternoons. Sooo, the person who wrote the appointment on my little slip from my last visit is officially a douchebag. My blood pressure went from 150/78 to 140/80 in two weeks, so I guess I'm not going to die. Oh, wait, I have to push a six-to-eight pound something out of my vajayjay in two months. And I look horrible already. Maybe I will die. In that metaphorical sense. I do need to take some pregger pictures since I will most likely never have a child again. I figure that because I'll be 40 when Evan's 18, and I'll be the hottest, most available MILF ever. Hottest because my new life goal is to fucking exercise. Go figger.

I've been finding elementary/middle school friends on the various social networking sites we all use and it's been a lot of fun. Almost everyone from Alabaster has a baby now...maybe they should have spent more money on that sex education class. I still think it's weird how poor people procreate a shit ton more than the well-off. Maybe it's more about love, less about money...maybe poor people don't have as many obligations as richer folk, so they can actually spend time to raise a child. Then again, it's not always properly... *sigh* Enough of that.

I really hope that '08 doesn't suck for most of you. <3!

2 blank stares| what?

x-posted from a myspace bulletin. eat me. [13 Dec 2007|05:05pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i guess you could say i'm happy, until it gets to be around 11 pm and i still have 5 hours of being up. all i really have to try to do is not have this baby early. that's all. and it's starting to scare me, what with all the baby shows on TV. birth is the only thing that terrifies me about this whole process, but i know it'll all be worth it and some such. until my family gets into my business and tries to take evan away. they've already warned they'll be "watching" me. whatever that means. maybe i shouldn't talk to them ever again.

my computer died on me, so i've been coming to the gardendale public library to do all my soul-dying i tend to get involved in when i use the internet. this place sucks. i only found ONE truman capote book, but it's ok since i haven't read it yet.

i've also been thinking a lot about certain people. i don't know if there's a reason for it, or i just haven't heard from them in a while. gabe and liam, liz ott, claire pittinos, robert nasca (so strange...), chris still, lil plott. i think the big part of it is i'm lonely and it's about the time of year that some of these people migrate back to birmingham. if you read this, especially if you're on that list, please call me.

that goes for everyone. maybe you could use someone to talk to, too.


because none of you are special enough for an email... [26 Oct 2007|01:32pm]
just kidding, if you're actually reading this. i just wanted to say i'm thinking of you, pretending you're thinking of me. wow, that was SO EMO!

if you've talked to me lately, you'll have noticed i hate everything...apparently that's hormonal, so forgive me. i just got over a two-day bout with the throwing up virus, but i got to spend two days in bed, so it wasn't all that bad.

i get paid today. all that means is i'll be able to buy more spinach dip and cigarettes. i'm supposed to be quitting, but aren't we all?

and i'm having a boy. if i had a choice of a theme (meaning i could paint and decorate, etc.), it'd be skulls. cute ones, of course, not scary. so if you run into something that has skulls on it, i'll bet you'll think of my poor baby and how scarred it's going to be.

i want to go downtown tonight and watch people get drunk, or just watch a show. i want to perch myself on a barstool and flirt with the nearest person who doesn't realize i'm with child. i want to make-out in the bathroom and exchange phone numbers, but never call. *sigh* wishful thinking.

now i'm off to work with the kids who probably made me sick in the first place. it would please me to get a response from someone, just to let me know you're alive and kicking ass. later, weirdos.

i never update lj without using caps and such. weird.
1 blank stare| what?

[21 Oct 2007|01:09pm]
I have the biggest frown on, but I'm still dancing to this website:

So good.

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